Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize