so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
