Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
