I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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