when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
