please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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