somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I looked at my own cervix.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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