if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
