As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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