You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
