grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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