Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
