he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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