just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Operation Purity has been aborted
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
