I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
