you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
