2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
