we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
