I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
