I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
