The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
