You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
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We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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