Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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