i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
