She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
