She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
