I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
