where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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