i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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