I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
