The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
