As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
