Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
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