Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
