They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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