My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
