it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
