video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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