You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
