AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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