When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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