that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
