i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
