If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
