How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
