Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
