I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
