Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
