She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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