I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
