That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
