You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
