i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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