i need an iv and a liver transplant
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My bed smells like the plague
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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