Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
