So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
