today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
