I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
