my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
is it fun? or sober?
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