I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
