dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Randomize
