every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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