We won't sleep together?
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
