i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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